The Journey Through Grief
You may find it helpful in realizing that grief is a perfectly normal human process. It has a beginning, middle and an end. This does not imply that you will not feel sad sometimes in remembering the loss of your cat, but the sharp, sometimes painful feelings will diminish with time and are often replaced by memories of happier days when you and your cat shared life together.
The Stages of Grief
Grief is a process of physical, emotional, social and cognitive reactions to loss. The grieving process is hard to work through! One needs to be patient with themselves or others experiencing loss. Studies have found that people often go through stages or phases of grief, for example, those proposed by renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She believes that most people go through FIVE sequential stages when faced with the loss of a loved one: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
Although responses to loss are as diverse as the people experiencing it, patterns of stages commonly experienced have emerged.
(1) CRYING: While this seems an entirely expected reaction, the first few moments of realizing that your cat has died can produce a number of strange, emotional reactions. An outburst of crying, anger, hyper activity even a form of giddy laughter can follow the shock of knowing. It is generally short-lived, lasting for only minutes immediately following the death.
(2) A STRANGE SENSE OF NUMBNESS & EMPTINESS: A feeling of numbness can last hours to weeks. It is a period often described as "unreal", (i.e. being amazed to have made it through a euthanasia). Often the bereaved person will feel somehow disconnected from their surroundings, as if they are simply walking through a dream.
Other reactions people experience during this stage are: having disorganized thoughts, feeling unaffected, thinking about suicide, feeling numb, being euphoric or hysterical, feeling outside their body, or being talkative, "hyper" or passive. Other people will feel in denial of the loss (ie "I can't believe he is really gone...it just doesn't seem real).
(3) DENIAL & DISBELIEF: For the first few days, immediately following the death of a cat, many people experience a period of denial. Some even think they hear or see their cat, and for a moment will react as if the cat is still living. The thought that their cat is actually not coming back seems impossible.
(4) ANGER, SEARCHING & YEARNING: People will often find themselves acutely missing the cat that is gone. Individuals in this phase can be pre-occupied with thoughts of the deceased; they may have dreams about the cat. Reactions experienced may also include sensing that one sees or hears the cat outside their home. Feelings commonly experienced are intense pining, sadness, fear, anger, relief, irritability and yearning. Sometimes anger is not directed at the loss, but instead towards a family member, vet, self or God. During this period individuals may find themselves bursting into tears at unexpected times. People may also experience physical illness, pain, weight change, fatigue and change in appetite.
(5) GUILT & BARGAINING: As the days begin to pass, it is not unusual to feel a very strong sense of guilt. People will go over the days leading up to the death and often feel that if they had reacted differently, their cat would still be alive. This is especially true when the death of a cat has been very sudden or the result of an accident. Children will often try to ‘bargain’, some turning to prayer and asking God to bring their cat back to life in return for promises ‘to be good’ for ever-after.
(6) PROFOUND GRIEF & DEPRESSION: Like all human emotions, the depth and length of this period will vary according to the individual. This period of genuine realization that your cat has gone forever marks the beginning of the true grieving process. It can occur within a few days or sometimes it may be as many as six months before this process takes place. A very deep sense of loss, and occasional bouts of crying typify this period and can last, on and off, for several days or weeks.
(7) ACCEPTANCE – DISORGANIZATION & REORGANIZATION:
Disorganization: During this phase individuals are beginning to adapt to their lives without their animal companion and learning new skills. This commonly leads to feeling disorganized, as well as needing to evaluate and learn different ways of managing life (i. how to fill that empty spot when coming home without someone to greet you).
Reorganization: People in grief forget that grief is a process and that through this process, new coping skills are learned. Generally within about 6 months, the sharpness of the pain of grief begins to diminish and people begin to adjust to life without their much-loved companion. They are able to speak about their loss more easily, and begin to remember the happier times when they were together. The cat that is gone is never forgotten. In the case of death, most individuals never "get over" the loss; however, survivors learn to live with the loss. The intensity of the loss changes, and a survivor can rejoin life. One finds that they can eat and sleep and individuals may establish relationships with a new cat. This marks the end of the grieving process.
Many people may continue to have occasional ‘sad thoughts’ about their lost cat, with crying still occurring at times. These occasional and usually brief moments may continue throughout life and are quite normal, while simultaneously increased happiness will be experienced.
Although responses to loss are as diverse as the people experiencing it, patterns of stages commonly experienced have emerged.
(1) CRYING: While this seems an entirely expected reaction, the first few moments of realizing that your cat has died can produce a number of strange, emotional reactions. An outburst of crying, anger, hyper activity even a form of giddy laughter can follow the shock of knowing. It is generally short-lived, lasting for only minutes immediately following the death.
(2) A STRANGE SENSE OF NUMBNESS & EMPTINESS: A feeling of numbness can last hours to weeks. It is a period often described as "unreal", (i.e. being amazed to have made it through a euthanasia). Often the bereaved person will feel somehow disconnected from their surroundings, as if they are simply walking through a dream.
Other reactions people experience during this stage are: having disorganized thoughts, feeling unaffected, thinking about suicide, feeling numb, being euphoric or hysterical, feeling outside their body, or being talkative, "hyper" or passive. Other people will feel in denial of the loss (ie "I can't believe he is really gone...it just doesn't seem real).
(3) DENIAL & DISBELIEF: For the first few days, immediately following the death of a cat, many people experience a period of denial. Some even think they hear or see their cat, and for a moment will react as if the cat is still living. The thought that their cat is actually not coming back seems impossible.
(4) ANGER, SEARCHING & YEARNING: People will often find themselves acutely missing the cat that is gone. Individuals in this phase can be pre-occupied with thoughts of the deceased; they may have dreams about the cat. Reactions experienced may also include sensing that one sees or hears the cat outside their home. Feelings commonly experienced are intense pining, sadness, fear, anger, relief, irritability and yearning. Sometimes anger is not directed at the loss, but instead towards a family member, vet, self or God. During this period individuals may find themselves bursting into tears at unexpected times. People may also experience physical illness, pain, weight change, fatigue and change in appetite.
(5) GUILT & BARGAINING: As the days begin to pass, it is not unusual to feel a very strong sense of guilt. People will go over the days leading up to the death and often feel that if they had reacted differently, their cat would still be alive. This is especially true when the death of a cat has been very sudden or the result of an accident. Children will often try to ‘bargain’, some turning to prayer and asking God to bring their cat back to life in return for promises ‘to be good’ for ever-after.
(6) PROFOUND GRIEF & DEPRESSION: Like all human emotions, the depth and length of this period will vary according to the individual. This period of genuine realization that your cat has gone forever marks the beginning of the true grieving process. It can occur within a few days or sometimes it may be as many as six months before this process takes place. A very deep sense of loss, and occasional bouts of crying typify this period and can last, on and off, for several days or weeks.
(7) ACCEPTANCE – DISORGANIZATION & REORGANIZATION:
Disorganization: During this phase individuals are beginning to adapt to their lives without their animal companion and learning new skills. This commonly leads to feeling disorganized, as well as needing to evaluate and learn different ways of managing life (i. how to fill that empty spot when coming home without someone to greet you).
Reorganization: People in grief forget that grief is a process and that through this process, new coping skills are learned. Generally within about 6 months, the sharpness of the pain of grief begins to diminish and people begin to adjust to life without their much-loved companion. They are able to speak about their loss more easily, and begin to remember the happier times when they were together. The cat that is gone is never forgotten. In the case of death, most individuals never "get over" the loss; however, survivors learn to live with the loss. The intensity of the loss changes, and a survivor can rejoin life. One finds that they can eat and sleep and individuals may establish relationships with a new cat. This marks the end of the grieving process.
Many people may continue to have occasional ‘sad thoughts’ about their lost cat, with crying still occurring at times. These occasional and usually brief moments may continue throughout life and are quite normal, while simultaneously increased happiness will be experienced.
Things that can help deal with grief
(1) Talking: One of the most helpful ways to begin the healing process is to try and speak about your cat and your feelings of grief to a close and trusted family member or friend. Shutting out the painful feelings will only make them last longer. By talking to someone you trust and whom you know will be compassionate and understanding, you will be able to accept the loss and return to a normal life more quickly. Take care when sharing your grief as there are always callous people that respond with thoughtless and unhelpful comments like, “oh well, it’s only a cat”.
(2) Ceremony: Many people today find that commemorating their cat’s life helps them to adjust to life without them. There are a variety of ways in which you can commemorate your cat which help to keep you focused during the first days of grieving. These activities help to fill the emptiness and give the bereaved an opportunity to express their deep feelings of affection and sadness at their loss. It may be as simple as writing a small poem in memory of your cat or assembling a special book of pictures. More and more people today also choose to have their cat’s remains individually cremated or buried at a pet cemetery. I can assist you with such arrangements.
(3) Posting an Internet Memorial: Many people today are turning to newer methods of commemorating their cat’s life. If you do not have an Internet service, ask a friend who does to help you post your memorial.
(2) Ceremony: Many people today find that commemorating their cat’s life helps them to adjust to life without them. There are a variety of ways in which you can commemorate your cat which help to keep you focused during the first days of grieving. These activities help to fill the emptiness and give the bereaved an opportunity to express their deep feelings of affection and sadness at their loss. It may be as simple as writing a small poem in memory of your cat or assembling a special book of pictures. More and more people today also choose to have their cat’s remains individually cremated or buried at a pet cemetery. I can assist you with such arrangements.
(3) Posting an Internet Memorial: Many people today are turning to newer methods of commemorating their cat’s life. If you do not have an Internet service, ask a friend who does to help you post your memorial.
When to seek extra assistance with grief
Here are a few basic examples of when you or a person you know may require some extra assistance from a good friend or professional grief counsellor.
DEPRESSION: Symptoms include the long-term loss of interest in activities which used to be entertaining, loss of appetite, insomnia or an interruption in normal sleeping patterns, withdrawal from socializing (including telephone conversations), feelings of hopelessness or even suicide. These are serious warning signs of distress and every effort should be made to seek help. If you, find yourself ‘falling into this dark and unhappy mood’ try to understand that this is a genuine illness. It is not something that you should think of as embarrassing or a sign of personal weakness. DO NOT HESITATE to call a professional.
Depression almost always makes us feel as if nothing will help and it can become an almost overwhelming effort to just pick up the phone to take the first step towards recovery. Remember that this is the depression ‘talking’. MAKE THE EFFORT. It is vitally important that you take this first step and call for assistance. You will surprise yourself with how understanding and helpful your professional advisor will be.
GUILT: While feeling guilty is part of the normal grieving process, for some people it becomes an almost overwhelming problem. This is especially likely to occur if your cat has died suddenly or as the result of an accident. If you find that you are spending a great deal of time thinking about how you might be to ‘blame’ for not recognizing that your pet was ill, or that you feel that it is your fault that your pet died as a result of something you did or did not do, seek the help of a professional. Again a veterinarian, religious leader, or even your general practitioner is a good advisor to help you over this ‘stalled’ phase of the grieving process. A professional person with a less involved viewpoint can help bring you back into a more realistic understanding of your feelings of guilt. It really all boils down to this: An accident is an event that occurs with no premeditation on the part of those involved. Just like making a wrong left turn and possibly damaging your car, remember that it was an accident. You certainly didn’t purposefully set out to damage your shiny new car, now did you? In the case of an unfortunate death caused through and accident or undetected illness, you may have to accept that your actions of thinking may have been more wisely handled, but you must acknowledge that not for a single moment did you intend to cause any harm to your pet. The only person who can blame himself for the injury or death of a pet is a person who from the very start, fully and consciously attempt to cause harm. Otherwise, how can you possibly consider yourself guilty? Your advisor will help you to see, we are all human, and as such, our actions are never perfect.
SPECIAL NOTE:
The grieving process is a deeply personal and individual emotion. Therefore it is important for you to remember that the information contained above is GENERAL INFORMATION and may not accurately reflect your own experience with grief. Some people will pass through certain stages of the grieving process faster or slower than others. It depends entirely on your own personality and life experiences. It is also a generally held belief that individuals living alone, especially those of us who are senior citizens may experience a longer healing period. Also, people who have lost a cat suddenly or due to an accident may experience a more profound and painful grieving period. This is perfectly normal. Those of us who live alone with a cat often develop a very deep, personal attachment and the loss of such a daily companion can be a very hard load to bear. When a cat dies suddenly and unexpectedly, or as the result of an accident, there is often a greater feeling of grief and sometimes-profound feelings of guilt. If you are finding your loss particularly stressful, you may wish to talk to a close friend, relative, religious or medical advisor whom you trust with your personal problems. Depression is the most serious emotional problem that you may experience. Today medical authorities recognize that depression is a real, physical illness and can be successfully treated with counsellors and/or new medications. If you find that you are losing interest in things that used to interest you; if you are finding that your normal sleep pattern has changed – either sleeping too little or too much; if you find yourself withdrawing and not wishing to see friends or go out; if you are not eating regularly, or are less interested in your appearance and personal hygiene, make the effort to speak to a close friend or professional about your problem. Often talking it over will help you to heal.
SPECIAL ADVICE:
Should you find that you are having persistent thoughts of death or suicide as a result of your grief; it is strongly recommended that you contact your healthcare professional. Or you may wish to discuss your situation with a grief counsellor. Look in your local telephone book under Distress or Grief Counselling. Professional counsellors are available twenty-four hours a day. These people are highly trained and your discussion with them is entirely private and confidential. The service is free, and designed to help anyone who is experiencing emotional distress. You should not feel embarrassed to talk. Grief is as individual as each person! There are no hard and fast rules. However, if you think that you or a friend is having a particularly difficult time with the loss of a beloved cat, there is help.
The following link to the Royal Society of Psychiatrists may also be of use.
DEPRESSION: Symptoms include the long-term loss of interest in activities which used to be entertaining, loss of appetite, insomnia or an interruption in normal sleeping patterns, withdrawal from socializing (including telephone conversations), feelings of hopelessness or even suicide. These are serious warning signs of distress and every effort should be made to seek help. If you, find yourself ‘falling into this dark and unhappy mood’ try to understand that this is a genuine illness. It is not something that you should think of as embarrassing or a sign of personal weakness. DO NOT HESITATE to call a professional.
Depression almost always makes us feel as if nothing will help and it can become an almost overwhelming effort to just pick up the phone to take the first step towards recovery. Remember that this is the depression ‘talking’. MAKE THE EFFORT. It is vitally important that you take this first step and call for assistance. You will surprise yourself with how understanding and helpful your professional advisor will be.
GUILT: While feeling guilty is part of the normal grieving process, for some people it becomes an almost overwhelming problem. This is especially likely to occur if your cat has died suddenly or as the result of an accident. If you find that you are spending a great deal of time thinking about how you might be to ‘blame’ for not recognizing that your pet was ill, or that you feel that it is your fault that your pet died as a result of something you did or did not do, seek the help of a professional. Again a veterinarian, religious leader, or even your general practitioner is a good advisor to help you over this ‘stalled’ phase of the grieving process. A professional person with a less involved viewpoint can help bring you back into a more realistic understanding of your feelings of guilt. It really all boils down to this: An accident is an event that occurs with no premeditation on the part of those involved. Just like making a wrong left turn and possibly damaging your car, remember that it was an accident. You certainly didn’t purposefully set out to damage your shiny new car, now did you? In the case of an unfortunate death caused through and accident or undetected illness, you may have to accept that your actions of thinking may have been more wisely handled, but you must acknowledge that not for a single moment did you intend to cause any harm to your pet. The only person who can blame himself for the injury or death of a pet is a person who from the very start, fully and consciously attempt to cause harm. Otherwise, how can you possibly consider yourself guilty? Your advisor will help you to see, we are all human, and as such, our actions are never perfect.
SPECIAL NOTE:
The grieving process is a deeply personal and individual emotion. Therefore it is important for you to remember that the information contained above is GENERAL INFORMATION and may not accurately reflect your own experience with grief. Some people will pass through certain stages of the grieving process faster or slower than others. It depends entirely on your own personality and life experiences. It is also a generally held belief that individuals living alone, especially those of us who are senior citizens may experience a longer healing period. Also, people who have lost a cat suddenly or due to an accident may experience a more profound and painful grieving period. This is perfectly normal. Those of us who live alone with a cat often develop a very deep, personal attachment and the loss of such a daily companion can be a very hard load to bear. When a cat dies suddenly and unexpectedly, or as the result of an accident, there is often a greater feeling of grief and sometimes-profound feelings of guilt. If you are finding your loss particularly stressful, you may wish to talk to a close friend, relative, religious or medical advisor whom you trust with your personal problems. Depression is the most serious emotional problem that you may experience. Today medical authorities recognize that depression is a real, physical illness and can be successfully treated with counsellors and/or new medications. If you find that you are losing interest in things that used to interest you; if you are finding that your normal sleep pattern has changed – either sleeping too little or too much; if you find yourself withdrawing and not wishing to see friends or go out; if you are not eating regularly, or are less interested in your appearance and personal hygiene, make the effort to speak to a close friend or professional about your problem. Often talking it over will help you to heal.
SPECIAL ADVICE:
Should you find that you are having persistent thoughts of death or suicide as a result of your grief; it is strongly recommended that you contact your healthcare professional. Or you may wish to discuss your situation with a grief counsellor. Look in your local telephone book under Distress or Grief Counselling. Professional counsellors are available twenty-four hours a day. These people are highly trained and your discussion with them is entirely private and confidential. The service is free, and designed to help anyone who is experiencing emotional distress. You should not feel embarrassed to talk. Grief is as individual as each person! There are no hard and fast rules. However, if you think that you or a friend is having a particularly difficult time with the loss of a beloved cat, there is help.
The following link to the Royal Society of Psychiatrists may also be of use.
Remember that you are not alone
By reaching out you will surprise yourself with how many people will understand and want to help. Despite the pain that losing an animal causes me, I know that I would go through it all again. It has to be better than being someone who sadly lacks the capacity to love an animal at all!
